Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to