GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
How actors in movies eat their food