@Brampersandon_

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

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@WritePlay

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

@WritePlay

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

@SirEviscerate

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

@kangel76

If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…

@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….