GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

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[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”


Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.


Husband: How about a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?


The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.


*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.