Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they’re not working.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
According to math, I’m broke
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
Me: I have a date tonight.
Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.
Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….