Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same