God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”