Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

i prefer mine room temperature.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

I need better friends

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.