God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
August 8
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u