God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do