God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“i am a sweet baby”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?