Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t we all

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting