Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

want me to check your oil?

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”