Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
God: Basically u just chill.
God: I mean, at first.
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours