God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too