Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

Happy Caturday!

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.