God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Usage Guidelines
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“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
