Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

this could fix me

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Come back with a warrant

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

I hope Alan is OK

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: