god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.