Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

ME: and the hell, is it fresh?

2025: oh yes, the freshest

ME: wonderful, and is that my…

2025: your handbasket, yes

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…