God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
m’lady
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.