God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Personal question. #JustSaying
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing