God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*