Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”