God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that