Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting