Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

#ParentingFacts