Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer is always right

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Do one person every day that scares you.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.