Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Hmm, not sure about this change

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.