Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

The news in a nutshell.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently