Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

What kind of a cult is this?

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.