God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
handsome & gretel
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.