Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?