god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
This is amazing.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Weighing up my bread heating options
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active