God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.