God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You Might Also Like
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
That’s fair
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.