God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
WHY?!
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
they see me scrollin
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
