God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Nothing.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
