God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.