god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

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H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.


H: Have you been day drinking?


[prison fight]

Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*

Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*

Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*


18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese


ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.


Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings


My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.


the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air


[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?


[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.