[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Well well well…
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
💯😂
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?