god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band


The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*


Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket


Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?


Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?