God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
🥲
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.