God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Mission: Impossible
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee