God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
i’m laughing very hard in real life
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.