God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I did not eat the cake…
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery