God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
In space, no one can hear…
