Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.