Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

I bet

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”