Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Ha.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Ovenable?

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.