Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

*updates tinder bio*

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.