What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.