7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Kid: I just wanted to see you.
My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?
*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.