Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐