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@LurkAtHomeMom

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@kimwilliamz

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

@pilau

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

@Mr_Kapowski

Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?

*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*

@AnOrangeSNES

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.