Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Any refunds available?…

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.