Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

💀 😭

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

where the womens at?

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.