Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.