God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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my mom making me talk to relatives
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab