Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!