Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Yup!

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.