Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

ㅤ

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.