GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds