@BlindChow

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

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@ericsshadow

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@roxiqt

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

@DBStoner

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

@Traceylei2

Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.

@AnkCoupleTO

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@ewfeez

*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@emmyblotnick

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”