A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”