GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You deplete me
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: