Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

Seals are just dog mermaids.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.