Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Has science gone too far?

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon