Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

ok hear me out: Luigiana

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

😞