God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage