Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

😂🥴

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone