Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

My kitchen overserved me.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

Rt to bother an English speaker

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

6. me as a lawyer

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth