Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from