Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Name this drama.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

My boss called in sick of me

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

ㅤ

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner