Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat