God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
A friend helps you before you need it
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance