Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

I’m not lazy

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place