Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing