Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Krampus.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.