Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

You wish you had this many chins.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside