God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]