Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has