Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

I feel attacked.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.