Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*