[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.