Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown