[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”