[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Sorted
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that