[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
How I like cutting carbs
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
23. the denim jacket
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking